pregnancy 101...

Mike and I were talking about have a 3rd baby again. We go back and forth all the time. I say yes, he says no. He says yes, I say no. Then I noticed two of my neighbors are pregnant with their 2nd babies. Two words: baby fever. Then Mike reminded me about how much I hate pregnancy. And I mean hate. I love the beautiful gift at the end, but the 9 months leading up to it suck. You read all those books. Blah, blah, blah. None of them actually tell you what to really expect. This is what they don't tell you...

1. Your vagina never looks the same. I'll leave it at that.
2. Your boobs never look the same. Forget the big, perky 18 year old boobs. After kids (after breastfeeding or lack of), your boobs deflate like little balloons. Saggy, deflated boobs. Sad looking little boobies.
3. When your pregnant, you have to go up a size or two in undies. WTF?
4. Your ever growing belly itches like you contracted some nasty rash from a dirty bathroom. All you ever do is I-T-C-H. Itch, itch, itch. And you look like a dog scratching for fleas when you itch.
5. Yes, you may get the pregnancy glow, but your hair falls out after pregnancy. In clumps. Lots of clumps. Gross.
6. Sex sucks. It's uncomfortable. Your husband is weirded out and all he really wants is a blowjob. No position seems to really work and all your hoping for is an early finish. It's hard to feel sexy with a large belly.
7. Eventually, you can't see anything below your belly button. Shaving is nearly impossible, forget trying to give yourself a pedicure, and just go Brazilian.
8. No sleep. Being pregnant is uncomfortable and it's nearly impossible to find a good sleeping position. You end up spending the night tossing and turning and getting up to pee 3-4 times a night. If you're a belly sleeper - think again.
9. Shoes are uncomfortable. Just wear flip-flops. They're the only thing that fit and feel good.
10. Heartburn. Lots of heartburn.
11. Hormones! Pregnancy makes you irrational and emotional. You spend alot of time crying. Crying over commercials. Crying over spilt water. Crying. Crying. Crying. Why? Crazy ass hormones.

Hmm. Why don't they tell you this stuff in books?